Conflict Resolution

I was reminded of elementary school the other day.  Sometimes the school counselor would come into the class and give guidance sessions.  If I remember correctly, one of those sessions involved teaching us about conflict resolution.  As part of that, she taught us a little "script" that can be used to help.  It goes like this:  "When you __________ I feel _________.  I wish _________."  At the time I thought it was ridiculous and kind of corny.  And up until about 4 or 5 months ago, I still did.  However, recent events have given me a greater appreciation for it.  I haven't specifically used this, but I've realized how critical it is to have all three elements as part of the conflict resolution:

1. State what the person is doing specifically that you don't like.
2. State how it makes you feel / how it affects you (and others)
3. Suggest a better plan of action.

If you leave out the first part completely or give kind of a general statement like "I think you're doing a bad job", you rob the person of the opportunity to understand what specific actions he or she needs to address.  And if they don't know specifics, how can they change?

Stating how it affects you is also necessary to help the person understand why a change would be necessary - helping them be more empathic toward you I suppose.  If you leave this part out, I think the person doesn't see why they need to change.  They need motivation.  But, you can't do only this part.  Saying only, "I feel like you're not doing your share of the work", doesn't really help much either.  They might feel like they're doing plenty of the work.

And finally, suggesting a better plan of action.  I think this is one people often leave out, at least based on my limited, recent observation.  It seems many people like to criticize or complain about your actions, but when asked what a better plan of action would be, often they can't/won't give one.  I'm not sure why this is - maybe it's just human nature.  And only giving suggestions on how to change isn't all that effective either.  If you just tell someone what they need to do differently, they might just think you're trying to be bossy if you don't tell them the other two parts of the statement.

I know this one statement isn't the be-all, end-all of conflict resolution, but I think it is a very good place to start with some dialogue.  Also, be warned that this fall I'm starting some leadership training at work, so you may be getting more of this type of post for the next year or so.  That's it for today.  Now go resolve some conflict!